Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
