there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
