But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
