my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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