i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
