How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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