The maid of honor just puked.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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