I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
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I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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