two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
