im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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