Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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