ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
