I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize
