I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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