I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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