Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
