Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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