Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
