Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
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