my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
