You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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