im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
