I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I queefed so loud it echoed.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
