If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
