Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
