yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
