I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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