I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
