Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
