I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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