you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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