Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
