I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Randomize
