My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
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We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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