The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
