I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
