just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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