I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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