Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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