I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
