Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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