I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
