I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
