Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
