everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
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yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
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I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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