what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
