I met the friendliest cop last night
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
