i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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