he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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