Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
