Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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