we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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