she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
