You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
They took my balls.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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