Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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